1 may
i refer in the audio below to this.
it was sent by someone who suposedly "cares" for you est to kill me...it near did
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your twatter
same format as above but TElletse......
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and the big REAL letter...in an audio that explains all - how one mans guilt damaged so so many
when i die get someone to help you with it...maybe even B...she understands guilt...
and generational trauma
and write it in a book - to help OTHERS...
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1z_RISImivhwEOg-BygePBil3O2NuAePB/view?usp=share_link
i wont ever share that with ayone else but B..i kindof trust her...deep down she cares
this is not my story anyway it is YOURS Est...
and i know wll take you decades to process...
good luck!
29 APRIL 07.00
Est if you have read this i will be adding the last bit Sunday evening, monday morning latest.
It is important.
The true life story.
In fact it probably wouldn't be of the slightest interest to you, but it is 'important' - by which i mean all i care about is the rest of your life. And your internal moral landscape or feelings...whatever is the right word.
YOU knowing that i turned my own negative ' sorrowful' things over may years into for me ALWAYS good vibes, good energy, and true creative thought, is important for you to know. And also a bit of what is behind many years of angst.. you won't know that.
Because it means that the damage that various people did never truly damaged me. In other words although i do not beieve ANY person is truly responsible for any bhaviour until they are late 20s, cos its so so so hard figuring who we are and who are families were and figuring the rights and wrongs!
...you must never ever feel the slightest guilt - and the proof is that every day i wake at dawn and get straight to some good writing and often i do bits of video stuff.
I will put a link here later
but i want to get into perfect words a few things i must try and leave behind for you
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26 April 23
I am going to add a few things here over the next few days.
two sections
I wrote this letter below to you 10 April.
Thing is - well... when i was 25 i did the big 'truth session' with my parents. Confusinion about who they were - their stories, really had caused me GREAT internal angst. From about age 16 i had had issues - NOT so bad i could not get a professional pilots license age 19 - rigorous mental health checks, but still messed my head up for years....
The last few months after an incredibly happy good period - 18 months, living only in a little van, my health isreally collapsing. Maybe it has all got to me....
and a second section below.
sent 10 april 2023
Dear Est*lle,
Hello and I hope you are well.
I don’t know if you got an email i sent you a year ago. It was a sort of once-in-a-lifetime thing.
This is a time of the year i think especially of disappearing off abroad with you. The reason is I took you away on the 9th April 2003. It was the day that Saddam Hussein’s statue was toppled in Baghdad (it was on tv as we crossed the channel on the ferry). The event is often commemorated on the news. It has been especially so this year being 20 years. It has rather been on my mind.
I want to add something to the email i wrote a year ago.
Or maybe – probably, in a ‘lifetime’ way of writing, my email a year ago was wrongly put.
That time (2002-3) there were various ‘forces’ ongoing. A range of ‘bad acts’.
My own act twenty years ago, I always justify to myself that it was in response to others’ acts. Until that day 20 years ago i was innocent of any real badness or illegality. Others did tell hurtful lies in the proceeding period – lies that to this day in fact cause me upset when i recall them. They hurt. And technically were unlawful in fact. The lies were before and after. And then i suffered years of worry about more lies.
But the simple matter of it is that my own act was worse. Will you forgive me. I ask that.
I will add a little that is all sophisticated ‘argument’ but this must not take away from the last short paragraph. My act was worse. I had no idea what others reaction would be to me going away with you, but still to the majority of people it would be considered the worst act.
I looked on your Facebook 4 or 5 years ago once and saw you had a photo of Dostoevsky’s book Crime and Punishment. Maybe from that great writer you appreciate the subtle and complex matters around morality, good and bad acts. I have read all my Dostoevsky.
Four or five years ago i read the book of short stories by Bernard Schlink Flights of Love. One of the stories starts with the sentences ‘any man who sees his child in danger and does not steal them away is no man’. I often think of that – again as ‘justification’.
But then all my years of thinking just about things like war and conflict elsewhere, and the ‘divisions’ in society so often spoken of in the UK the last 7 years, just makes me realise one can argue forever who has the worst behaviour / attitudes / etc., and who is the lesser baddie. Or who may be entirely ‘innocent’? But that does no good.
It is all an endless and impossible equation. Five or more years before you were born i made a clear decision to leave the UK forever as i am a pacifist. Long long i struggled to figure the real right and wrongs of that. And many argue against pacifism with valid argument. There was a discussion on radio 4 a few weeks ago.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001k0xp
You seem to work for an NGO dealing with aftermath of war? I don’t know i looked you up and only see a Linkedin.
All i know for sure is that often it IS possible to walk away – not stand and fight for ones land and territory. It is of curse immoral and against international law that Putin entered Ukraine, But that bad act cannot be ‘punished’ for obvious reasons. And thus to stop all bloodshed we have to move forward and compromise to find peace, and forgive past acts. Move on.
And in 2003 i REALLY hated the jingoistic tak in the UK “go and kill some Iraqis” I joined the STOP The War Coalition. I hated being British.
But then ideally – not that it often happens, eventually when things get nasty, all parties should maybe eventually just admit their bad acts.
Human beings commit bad acts. We cannot get away from that. All we can do is offer the truth to those affected. And then it is up to others how they react.
A bad ‘act’ – several, were done to me January 2010. I can only say in total sincerity I accept all. NOT (important this) as ‘just deserts’ – to me. One bad act does not justify another. Obviously. But because i have in fact learned so much (for myself) about pain loss grief and i guess I am better off for it. I have deeper empathy for any person in life i encounter who has done bad things or suffered by bad acts of others. I have evolved.
I forget what Dostoevsky says about bad acts – the worst acts, but denial – self denial, is certainly no good. It does no one any good. I guess it doesn’t do society at large any good either. And individuals really cannot be too concerned about others bad acts. They can do little about them. Just clear ones own conscience if one can.
I guess (even if i dont really like Christianity) their model of we sin, and its about being forgiven, for real, is all really humanity has ever managed to say about bad acts. No one should really be left all their lives living in painful guilt. No good for anyone. Maybe some people cannot deal with their fault in matters in which case maybe it is impossible to deal with them? I don’t know. Maybe you do know?
All i can say for myself is that i do not live in ANY state of blaming others, or feeling bad at others – having any bad feeling to them at all, for their bad acts towards me. And that applies to all sorts over the last 20years not just any family matter.
So as i say all that matters, can you accept and forgive my fault, my past sin?
I think i have made ‘amends’ to society in general – i kind of know i have. But even that is lesser to the original bad act.
Dad
And that – above is the END...i mean it.
I am going to add just a few things here that over the years have sort of ‘helped’ me figure society, families, etc..
On families, i very often think of an interview i heard in 2012 0r 13 with one of my favourite writers Rachel Cusk. She had written a book Aftermath i haven’t read but it is about her divorce (she had a few kids at the time). In the interview she was extremely honest and i so admired her. In fact it was jaw droppingly wonderful. I wish i could find the interview online but cannot. She related how she became a terrible person – or rather did many bad acts, utterly attacking with crazy lies the father of her kids as they were divorcing. She was completely honest that she acted terribly. She seems (from other interviews and TV) quite a mild and sane person.
I so admired her for her confession. It is not in my head “women do bad, men can’t be blamed for bad response” no, just simply one person admitting their damaging hurtful sins. I think she helped humanity a lot by that admission – if anyone listened?
It is almost random who does bad, worse bad acts, or whatever...
“ we do crazy things when we are wounded...”
I said above that i despise UK. I always have. Arming Saudi Arabia – the #1 women repressing society in the world. My own family profited from that regime. I can never really accept entirely. I made my own decision to gradually part company from them and the UK very young.
I have actually recently a friend woman who totally sums up the world - these things. She is a Serbian woman born and raised in Sarajevo, who left Serbia when she was 21 as the Bosnian wars ravaged from ’91. Those wars were particularly hard for us to take in (even in UK). I had a close friend then who had Croat and Serb parents! The two people at war! People who had lived closely together for many decades started to kill each other. Nightly the tv shocked me. The Serbs were generally demonised as the worst criminals in Western media. But rightly Kosovo has recently been sent to The Hague, too. (B****** was angry that only Serbia ever gets remembered as the baddies)
She is superbly intelligent. She seems to have a forgiving soul. But she exemplifies one just has to move on. Figuring who is the worst baddie is never much use in the long run. Live for tomorrow. She doesn’t ‘blame’ anyone, even if things in the 90s totally destroyed her family life. (i would love you to meet her she is extremely interesting and a writer !)
Me, yes, somehow living without bad feeling towards those that did bad stuff i know is key. And in fact i also know that if we are lucky and mature enough bad acts - pain, trauma, actually always has a silver lining – deepens, broadens, and evolves us. Wendell Berry said something like “what the creative person needs is to have the worst possible thing happen to them, and survive it”. I think that is true.
Anyway there we go, love you no matter what.
PS
If you get this, my number may change
07727 eight four zero 304 was meant to be my rest of life number but it may get cut off as i have an issue with my phone contract
07958 five two six 381 is a secondary number that is pay as you go and i will still have if that happens.
I really hate email and digital - a few email addresses i have had i hardly ever check them - i would love never to use any messaging or email ever again :-)
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This is an email to your 'employer' it would seem..
Dear M,
I attach to this email a letter Рnot really meant for you, but as it has gone but to a few people perhaps with more education than yourself, you perhaps should see it. They I hope will understand it is a most magnanimous communiqu̩.
Referred to within is your wife. Not for any reason of spreading any malicious gossip – unlike you that was never my style. In fact it is simply put there as one of several reasons to explain why I dedicated what turned out to be 20years of my life into healthy psychological environments for children. I wonder if your wife recalls her decidedly unhealthy, probably traumatic, early environment. I do, often.
this as yet private webpage has more of the story - it is under development, in draft... to be turned into a more careful article at some point. Anonymous of course....for now
https://www.simonclayton2020.
https://www.simonclayton2020.
the main page
This - although great example of reality, is a lesser matter to me, and likely with all those places to boast about design you have, and all those cars to boast about (we became so tired of by about 1985), you may not be able to understand careful writing. What it says is – and I wish to know nothing about her or anyone else from you, ever, there are two items that if my mother ever heard about – the first that happened in our childhood, the second that I know of her evil in 2011 (2010 too I am sure), it may just rather disturb her.
I wish not that anyone hears this whilst she is alive, if she is. Once she is safely dead, my daughter needs to hear these things, one day. But that is my business.
(ohh and by the way her mother used to almost stalk you in London someone told me - her mother so ultra celebrity and money obsessed I was told she would loiter by your restaurant on visits to London – after I was separated from her – weird stuff…nothing to do with me…but maybe explains certain things over the years)
Anyway lets just say that every day for 13 years, I have thought of two things – firstly my damaged daughter – every moment of every day, not one of you ever did a thing to help (she knew who she happily lived with for 11 years – and all her animals, and horse - the lot), and also that I have a ‘responsibility’ to get a film made of a truly useful story that helped many many thousands – and ‘legally’ affected millions. The former thoughts paralised me for more or less 7 or 8 of the last 13 years. The latter thought I was ready to begin after much groundwork, 3 years ago, but had to postpone for obvious reasons.
Anyway the more people who help – back it, in whatever way, themselves, and also persuade others to back/invest… the busier I am thinking about the future. And don’t have time to ponder any past. That would be great…..
And please, you were among the many who…let me just say my 80s was an embarrassment. My many progressive decent acquaintances all that decade - young 20 somethings in university in London, with VALUES, were all anti consumerist, anti ‘celebrity’ world, anti showing off by designer this and that – decent people… anti… everything that you alone seemed so adamant about. Many just laughed at you. It was very embarrassing for me. One friend still mocks me about your online showing off to this day.
I was horrified at two levels to see you may have sucked someone else into your awful world of the worst shabbiest thickest celebrities ever – clearly all you ever cared about.
The attached letter is about REAL values. Not those of an awful wifebeating man, my father, you sucked up to, for example, who taught all his children that tax dodging is king, and taking huge bags of money from a people who did terrible things to women is somehow good.
I experience something bad - childhood… eventually – publicly by mid 00s, privately a decade earlier, I try to make that matter – it has to many thousands of British parents. And I will make sure whatever it takes one day my daughter will see the film of that. And all my papers…all of them.
If you would like to help out in something that will help other ordinary humble people maybe fight for good things in society in the future, rather than boast… here is the first of many write ups.
With kickastarter or other modes of assistance…
But don’t waste my time NOT reading it fully for any queries. And don’t waste one moment of my time, unless you are going to take part substantially - already have, contributed to showing the ONLY thing that ever did any real good in society, this awful dynasty ever did.
attached was this
to a lifelong friend of my father
